(Old newsgroup posting by Katharine Hawks.)
I do believe that “submitting to the feminine” is one of the more common patterns in F/m relationships.
Speaking for myself, that squicks me. I don’t want anyone submitting to the “feminine” in me. Blech. And while I’m content to use that energy to my advantage every once in a while, I only feel comfortable with it as a sideline or occasional subtext. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with it as a mainstay.
For example, I was recently dressing for a party and I called my boy upstairs to help me dress. I was wearing a latex tank top and certainly enjoyed the way she got all drooly when I asked her to help apply the shine
I can also play occasionally with gender supremacy in the right context and enjoy that dynamic. But again, as a steady diet.. .blech.
This is because I don’t go through my life always experiencing my gender. Not all moments are gendered for me. Similarly, I cannot imagine a dynamic as rich as dominance/submission stemming *only* from a gender dynamic. While some of my power does come from my gender — most of it comes from other sources. From my experiences in life, from my perceptiveness, from my sense of ethics, from my sadism, from my intellect, by being a good decision-maker, by being open of heart, etc.
And I am more likely to be turned on by someone who submits to me because of these qualities rather than the uninteresting nature of the fact that I’m gendered. (Since most of us are gendered in some way, I don’t feel like that makes me unique or worthy of someone’s submission. I enjoy much more the sense that someone is submitting to me because of qualities that I’ve worked very hard to develop and nurture.)
Originally posted 2009-03-04 07:19:09. Republished by Blog Post Promoter
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I don’t feel like our d/s is based around femininity at all, mainly (I guess) because I am not very feminine. And then there are things like how much Joscelin likes it that I shaved my head and now wear it in a crew cut (the shorter the better, as far as he’s concerned – he likes how it makes me look butch). I think Joscelin’s sexual nature is to seek dominance and control, and he seeks it with women because he is also straight. I don’t think he intrinsically submits to femaleness.
I love what you wrote here.
I love being female but my gender is not the definition of my sexuality.
Being female gives me defined (natural) genitals (horay for the strap-on!), not a definition to my sexual preferences or inclinations. To me to say I am female – therefor I AM “fill in the blank” – is ridiculous social labeling not to mention minimizing.
To echo your point, I am an accumulation of all my experiences, perceptions, education, culture, etc from all of which my sexuality is defined from. One dimensional, either OR just doesn’t seem possible when all that is considered.
The fact that am female is a biological fact. It is part of what I always am, but not something I am always aware of. Plus it is certainly not the full story of me being me. I am many many more things apart from a female, or even dominant female. I keep discovering more sides to being me. I play with all parts of me in different settings in different ways.