There’s nothing wrong with a submissive man having fantasies. He should be open about it, ask for it even but without being childish.
Expressing a fantasy to a trusted partner is, IMO, never wrong. Whining or wheedling or coercing that partner to enact that fantasy is, IMO, pretty much always wrong. These statements are true regardless of the orientation of the participants.
D/s involves more than one person:
One of my most frequent bottoms is simply not interested in bottoming unless the scene ends with an orgasm for him. I have no problem with this — I can either play with him or not, as I choose. What I *would* have a problem with would be if he didn’t express that need, did the scene anyway, and then was left feeling bad because he didn’t get his needs met. My job as a top is to make *both* of us feel fulfilled and happy, and I can’t do that if I don’t know as much as possible about both of our needs and desires.
(Old newsgroup posting.)
Originally posted 2009-03-01 06:41:21. Republished by Blog Post Promoter
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Whenever you talk about a submissive expressing his needs, the topic of “topping from the bottom” comes up.
This is not the only area in life where this happens. There’s a joke sign that pops up occasionally in repair shops and on the web. The sign posts various labor rates. The last line is usually something to the effect that there is a hefty surcharge to watch.
As a former software engineer, I’ve seen this with customers. They not only tell you what they want (sometimes – when they know that much) but they start telling you how to design the system.
It’s a matter of command and control. The example I like to use is the private and the general in a jeep. The General tells the private where he wants to go. He does not instruct the private on how to start the jeep, use the accelerator and brakes, and give him turn-by-turn directions. He assumes that the private is competent to operate the vehicle. The General is in command.
The private has his hands on the wheel, his foot on the gas and his eyes on the road. He is in control.
And so it should be with expressing one’s needs to one’s dominant. Give her the “specification” – this is what turns me on. Tell her where you want to go. Then put her in control.
To switch back to the military analogy: General Patton said, “Never tell anyone how to do something. Tell them what to do and they will amaze you with their ingenuity.”
There is a level of symbiosis needed when it comes to needs and wants. If I know what makes my boy tick I can use that to my advantage.
It is as having been given a list of ingredients to make a meal out of.
It is quite different from “this is the meal I want and you make it, the way I want it”. Which IMO is equivalent to the Topping from the Bottom or the “All about me” thing.
Really it is about communication and understanding both partners needs and wants to come to the perfect scene or relationship.