I also think my ‘she’s not dominant enough’ anxiety was just the old vanilla ‘she’s not satisfied’ anxiety with a new haircut. Basically, its just attachment anxiety. It’s got nothing to do with my needs being met in the long-term.

So, it’s no longer something I take seriously. In fact I find it easier to say to my wife ‘I’m feeling controlling’, at which point, she can respond however she likes about it. Telling her somehow breaks the circuit and the feeling goes away.

I’m kind of pleased with this, because we’ve only been in a fully-fledged D/s relationship for about three months and it seems like a pretty major liberating realization, hopefully I can use it to avoid some future pitfalls. Things have been so much better lately because of it, anyway.

BTW, good thread.

From my experience, it’s a lot worse to have a woman who is naturally dominant in a sexual or social sense, yet unwise or profligate when it comes to the decisions of everyday life. I’m submissive, not self-destructive. When I was younger and stupider, I was engaged to a woman who drained my bank account, maxed out my credit cards, and almost convinced me to liquidate the few investments I had — all because she knew what buttons to press. It took me awhile to learn what should have been an obvious lesson, but I did learn it before it was too late.

And, yes, from everything that I have learned about good relationships, they are about both parties. How that balance between the partners is come to and maintained seems to come in an almost infinite number of ways.

Female-Led is certainly a valid choice, but it doesn’t let you off the hook for doing all the things necessary to building and keeping a good relationship.

So as a practical matter, this means that the wife cannot just let things slide along and exert her authority when she is in the mood for it or when a situation arises in which it’s convenient for her. She needs to keep her husband happy by constantly “putting him in his place”. A lot of women will probably find this to be a chore that is perhaps as difficult or more difficult than the various housekeeping chores that they are being relieved of via this lifestyle.

So it’s true that the driving force behind the submission is the husband’s need for submission. But as a practical matter, his need is to put his wife first in all other areas. So she gains in that sense. The chores get done by a willing servant, the household money gets spent primarily on her, she gets to make all decisions etc.

Of course, this only works to the extent that she happens to enjoy the things that the husband fantasizes about. I can see real difficulties where this is not the case, and I imagine this is a lot of instances.

Out there in FLR fantasy land, women enjoy spending hours and hours getting their backs rubbed, sitting in bubble baths, drinking wine in candle-lit rooms, having their feet pedicured and similar stereotypical pampered-female delights. I would have to think in real life, actual women would reach a point of diminishing returns with these activities after a while. Similarly the prevalent notion that women are primarily interested in having their mates service them orally does not conform to reality, I would guess. I can see this as a problem.

What would be ideal is if the couple could take the elements that appeal to both and form a relationship on that basis. But I don’t know if this is possible. Because a lot of guys might agree to this (in the hopes of getting more) but would be ultimately dissatisfied with a relationship that fails to live up to their fantasies.