Dominance, Submission, Bondage, Sadism, Masochism and Romantic Love

People who think power exchange and sadomasochism are exclusive with romantic passion are either ignorant or inexperienced. Or have only met desperate wacky masochists (which do wander the web in great numbers).

BDSM and Romance are not mutually exclusive, though sadly, much of the current erotica published for mass media out there seems to cater to the view that it has to be.

For me, I do not think I nearly as fulfilled after a scene when there is not some element of romance involved, and I believe the same can be said about Silk as well. I am able to slip ‘deeper’ into headspace when I feel that I am traveling those dark road out of love rather then doing a scene to get my ‘kink fix’. Of course, Silk and I have also been accused of being sickly sweet at times

It does also get under my skin a bit when look around sometimes and see so many do-me and (pain/bondage/whatever)sluts out there just letching Dom/mes for their next session. To me, a submissive should be looking for ways to sweep their partner off their feet, both in and out of scene…

Romance?

By bootlicker.

Any game that people play is fun precisely because it is a game. That applies to chess, football, tennis and bdsm. Real (i.e., non-consentual) slavery is not fun, and it’s not a game. It is bullying; it is assault, it is, potentially, murder. The key is consent — which the Canadian police, for example, don’t understand. That’s not to say that consent cannot be perpetual. A person can even lose his rational ability to think “no,” just as an addict can lose the ability to quit drinking or taking drugs. That’s where consent goes over the line. Like an addict, you surrender your decision-making authority temporarily (though that may be a long time, it should be finite) to your Owner. She, of course, has a duty (I suggest) to know your limits, and to stay within them. That’s part of the bargain; it’s like government. You trade a part of your freedom for benefits, and the right to review the social contract now and again. In BDSM, you may trade virtually all your freedom for a finite time period, ceding all decision to your Owner until next week, next year or whenever. This is what keeps it a game, a recreation, a contract. In fact, it’s rational (I suggest) even to cede the right to set the review date to your Owner, and rely on Her good sense — just as you rely on Her not causing you physical injury in the course of recreational pain. No, it doesn’t work 100% of the time, and neither does football. People do get hurt, sometimes badly. That’s probably because there’s no safe-word in football (and there’s a parallel: a big part of Femdom BDSM, at least for me, is “proving” yourself, being macho, being strong, just as in football). On the other side of the coin, the human DNA contains, I think, a “cruelty gene” that we repress with varying degrees of success. Being a Female Dominant gives that impulse a release, and is probably good for Her. Women are moulded by our society to be “nice” and they tend to sublimate in bitchiness or cattiness. However, Female Domination lets all that frustration out, along with annoyance at “the stupid things men do” (which no one can list anyway!). So if a submissive (read “romantic”) male wishes to show his strength and toughness, at the same time he shows his sacrificial devotion to the Woman he loves, why not? She, at the same time, vents Her frustrations, has fun teasing the man She loves and giving him sexual pleasure (albeit mixed with pain) whilst enjoying hot and heightened sex Herself. Part of the contract is that She decides, on the basis of Her personal pleasure, what kind of activities (“services”) Her temporary male slave will perform for Her. Another proven psychological factor is that for a human in the throes of sexual passion, pain and pleasure cross over (within some limits, of course, as already discussed). That is why a whipping feels “wonderful” in the context of sex, why “love-bites” are part of the fun. So for this male sub, it is a pleasure (not to mention a privilege) to lick my Owner’s boots and toes in a show of devotion and surrender, and to be allowed to lick certain sensitive parts of Her beautiful body in other ways that bring Her joy. In the midst of that passion, to feel Her whip is not only gratifying to my sense of devotion, but just plain exciting (for both of us)!

Amity Harris has been a well-known treasure within the D/s community for years. Her explanation of female dominance remains a classic. An excerpt:

A FemDom relationship is intensely intimate. Inside this relationship, both the woman and submissive find caring, intense emotional exchange and validation of each other. I’ve said many times that a submissive man on his knees is one of the most beautiful and powerful mental images for me to behold. Even though a woman may demand that which satisfies her, a simple caress of her partner’s hair or cheek speaks volumes about the intense intimacy of this type of relationship.

When your partner is on his knees, even if only in his daydreams, he is begging silently for a woman’s strong hand to guide and lead him and the thought of that woman’s touch is arousing to him. However, he doesn’t want just any woman’s touch; he wants yours. Expressing the secrets in his soul is something painfully difficult to do without the assurance that the woman on the other side of the relationship will accept it and value it as a treasured gift.

Women learning about female domination must remember that your partner will be sharing his innermost secrets and longings with you. It’s up to you to value and cherish the trust he is placing in your hands.

What Does Female Domination Mean?

By bootlicker.

For those (like you and me and many, many more) for whom words are important, all this is critical. Words are the environment of the intellect. “Slavespeak” is valuable in setting up that environment: along with clothing, setting, and a few other theatrical touches. But words are the most important of all; the others can be shorted or imagined, but not the words. If, for instance you accept the “woman-worship” or goddess model, then She speaks in the voice of a Queen: “Now, you may kiss Our foot.” (Well, the “royal we” may be overkill, and is certainly optional.) But the assumption that the sub (or slave) is eager to serve, to submit and, yes, to suffer for Her amusement, is basic here. No screaming commands: that reflects weakness, not power. Power has a soft voice, confident it will be obeyed without question. That is not to say that the whip is not ready, should the slave fail to meet the Owner’s high standards and expectations, or hesitate because of some disgust with licking dirt from the royal sole–all that must be forgotten when one undertakes to be a slave. Like all good royal rulers, the Owner must know just how far She can go, and push the boundaries in educating (training, and that means punishment) Her slave to fulfill Her wishes. Key rule here is that the Owner must NEVER lose Her temper, for that is losing control. On the other side of the coin, the sub must NEVER let any natural revulsion or self-respect from his previous life as a human being slow his willingness to abase himself before Her and thank Her sincerely for the lessons of Her lash on his worthless slave carcass. Just as an Owner may, if it pleases Her, use the “royal we” to elevate Her speech, a slave should create the image of being as lowly as possible. That’s one reason I advocate third-party references and neutral pronouns. By way of demonstration, here’s that sentence reworded in my recommended slave-speak: “That’s one reason this slave humbly suggests that it refer to itself impersonally as a thing, rather than a person, to help its gracious Owner regard it as a mere object, to be used without consideration for Her pleasure and amusement. The same principle also impels me to advocate capitalizing both nouns and pronouns that refer to the Owner, to exalt Her station in the house. With this BDSM-D/s relationship clearly established in word usage, She can be as self-indulgent as She likes, as critical of shortcomings as the most haughty Domina can be, and as cruel physically as the fiction we enjoy–stopping short only at lasting medical harm. And that limit is justified by saying “I do not wish to damage My chattel property, for then it will not be as useful to serve My Imperial Pleasure.” — all part of the game. Other facets of that “game” include dabbing crushed pinto bean-dip on the soles of boots kept only for the dungeon-bedroom, and ordering the slave to “lick that dogshit from My boots” or using a soft doeskin flogger. Real pain–but not permanent injury–keeps the participants coming back for more. Real pleasure–genuine cunnilingus, enjoyed asa long as it pleases Her to command, and stimulated with a riding crop if the lazy slave slows down–is certainly to be desired by all concerned. And it won’t hurt anyone, certainly not a proper masochist in real slavespace who wants nothing more than to give his Mistress pleasure and enjoy the delights of submitting, serving and suffering for Her in the process.

Relationships Shouldn’t Stagnate

Sometimes in a relationship, a submissive will rethink the rationality of why he or she got into such a context. I’ve experienced it, and I’ve seen it happen many a time. I’m not saying this is definitely what is going on in your situation as I do not have the particulars, and I’m not a psychologist by any stretch of the imagination, but there does come a time quite often when someone starts to wonder about whether or not this is the right path that he or she has taken. And I’ve seen that same questioning come from dommes as well.

In such situations, my experience has shown me that the “other” side needs to recognize it and talk to the submissive to see if things are going the right direction. Quite often, it is easier to ignore that things are going wrong and then go along with the belief that there are other fish in the sea and that you can get along no matter what because you are the dominant side of the relationship. Unfortunately, that seems to be the direction that most of the problematic ones take, and the relationships sour and quickly dissipate.

This is a very common crisis for a relationship to go through, and it actually is a good sign in many cases. Often even good relationships will get shaky periodically as the couple work their way into a deeper level of commitment. Think of it as a renegotiation phase. Now and then the terms and parameters of even very positive relationships have to be renegotiated. If you don’t survive the renegotiation process, it generally means the death of the partnership. Still, survival rates are high, especially when there is genuine love and mutual respect to motivate the partners to reach an agreement.

A relationship which isn’t honestly mutual is fatally flawed. Some people have enough integrity to struggle to keep the relationship real. They’re the lucky ones who are most likely to gain real satisfaction in their partnerships.

Old usenet discussion.

Originally posted 2011-01-04 14:20:12. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

While you may not be able to convince the woman that you love to engage in a female on top power exchange relationship you might manage to persuade her to play.

Kinky erotic games are appearing more and more often in the mass media. And the depictions aren’t always unfavorable.

Your girlfriend or wife may be able to enjoy you kissing her feet, giving you a light spanking, maybe even wrapping some rope about your body.

But if – like religious fanatic who has just been converted – try to completely change the basis of your relationship and how the two of you live together you probably won’t get anything but a miserable mate.

There’s nothing wrong with play, don’t be a bore or frighten her. Talk to her about having fun.

Originally posted 2008-05-06 13:38:53. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Naturally since female supremacist Elise Sutton is credited with creating the term any site dealing with Loving Female Authority must make reference to her.

Quite possibly Sutton is the most influential woman in the history of female domination. Her book Female Domination was the first widely available work on what is often called Femdom. (Though some would say that the best thing about the book is the Sardax cover.)

Sutton attempted to validate her espousal of female superiority through the use of anecdotes, sociological speculation and dubious bits of history. Aping scholarship without achieving it.

At the time of the books release Female Domination was a great awakening for many women (and a source of countless fantasies for even more men.) Commentary on her second book has remained skimpy.

Since many dominant women find her depictions of female domination and male submission not very loving her influence has waned in recent times. Works by Janet Hardy, Claudia Varrin and Midori – aside from authors of leather and general D/s texts – provide more appealing and useable examples of power exchange within romantic partnerships.

Originally posted 2008-05-06 17:16:54. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

After considerable meditation, prayer and fasting I’ve come to a conclusion. Here, at the end of the year, I want to select something that strikes me as about the silliest bit of female led relationship folklore.

A man sitting on the toilet is submissive.

This kind of nonsense is espoused by the kind of silly clown that equates equates feminism with using the spelling womyn.

A man should sit on the toilet to urinate because that is the norm for women. But when the inferior male emulates the superior female it is a mark of humility. Or something.

You heterosexual people come up with some really baffling crap, you know that don’t you.

I sometimes sit to piss. I’m reading and don’t want to stop.

Happy 2009.

Originally posted 2008-12-31 13:00:52. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Public Misbehavior

It is counter-productive to punish without cause. It doesn’t have to be an *important cause* if all you are doing is looking for a reason to play. Sensual sadomasochism isn’t really punishment, so wanting to do it is reason enough.

If you have a just and real reason for punishment, then a little instant karma can be just what’s needed. One of the most evil things an incorrigible SAM boy can do is to push your buttons in a vanilla or public environment where he knows damn well you can’t retaliate immediately. His goal is to make you angry and keep you upset for hours, in the sick hope that you will really let him have it when you get home.

This is a serious matter, and the best thing to do about it may be to *get a headache*, and demand to go home at once. If your tormentor disagrees, then just leave: take the car and leave him to catch a bus or taxi. I know this sounds extreme but with hard cases it’s often the only solution. Your swift negative reaction is an unequivocal message which he can’t ignore. It also limits how much damage he is allowed to do to your sanity.

If it’s not that bad, or if you don’t want to miss the fun you planned just to make a point, then ask your SAM out to the car and play the little “nutcracker game” for a few minutes. It’s often possible to do this discreetly in a parked automobile. This puts you right back in the driver’s seat.

Later, when convenient, you properly punish the person in private for his misdeed.

Old usenet post.

Originally posted 2010-12-13 14:02:05. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Blogs written by real dominant and sadistic women and not those written by horny men in psychic drag consistently repeat a preference for strong men.

Evolutionary forces gave women a preference for strong men. At least strong in mind and heart.

And it is a strong man who is valued most when he kneels.

Don’t think submission makes weakness appealing. Turning yourself into a weakness may cause her to really despise: it won’t just be play.

That is another way you can lose her.

Originally posted 2007-12-20 13:03:22. Republished by Blog Post Promoter