Mistress? Domme?

Terms like Domme and Mistress are only merely tolerated by some dominant women.

Labels for self-identification seem to be chosen in large part because of the feelings they evoke for an individual. Like “Mistress” – some people love the label, some hate it. The same with “slave”. Me, if I have to put a label on me I’ll call myself a dom, but not a domme. Not that I think domme is a bad label, it just doesn’t work for me personally.

Yeah, I have felt forced to use it myself now and then, but I still don’t like it. “Domme” is especially awkward since people can’t agree on how to pronounce it in speech. I have heard people defending _Dom_, _Dome_, _Dom-may_, and _Dome-may_. May I respectfully suggest we just drop its use completely? It’s not a useful word if it only adds to the confusion, IMHO.

Why not just go back to *Dame*? Dame is a cool word, that already has a solidly accepted definition:

dame (d³m) n. 1. Used as a courtesy title for a woman in authority or a mistress of a household. 2.a. A married woman; a matron. b. An elderly woman. 3. Slang. A woman. 4. Chiefly British. a. A woman holding a nonhereditary title conferred by a sovereign in recognition of personal merit or service to the country. b. The wife or widow of a knight. c. Used as the title for such a woman. [Middle English, from Old French, from Latin domina, feminine of dominus, lord, master.]

Any woman who rules her own household is a Dame; that’s the number one definition! An especially outstanding Dame, or one who is a leader among Dames would be called a Grand Dame. An exemplary Dame might be called a Great Dame. Used in a sentence: “She’s more than a Grand Dame, she’s a Great Dame!”

Other poisoned terms which IMHO should be retired: “Dominatrix” (dominatrice). Too closely associated with the pro scene to be useful in identifying a non-pro dominant woman. “Domina” also is used so much by pros that I think all non-pros should just let them have it and call it a day.

It is disturbing that to identify a woman who is not available for rent we have to call her a non-anything, like she is lacking in some way. A dominant woman, a sadistic woman, and a woman who is a BDSM top are firmly, positively, something definite which is not cute and girlish. A woman who is a bondage master, that is, a master of the art, can certainly be called a master. The term mistress is tainted, but I tolerate it because of its antiquity. The word mistress is not going away, and I’m OK about that.

If people want a respectful term for someone who is really wise and respected, then how about something like Mahatma? That is a word which can be used for either men or women, either tops or bottoms, who are knowledgeable and venerated. That’s the kind of word we really need right now, IMHO, as much as we need the kind of people we’d attach it to. What we don’t need is more frilly pink labels to pin onto glorious, terrifying, Amazonian dominant DAMES.

Originally posted 2010-11-29 11:23:12. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

It always bugs men when someone links heterosexual male submission to being polite to women.

1. When I’m out in the world I see no signs that it is a problem.
2. People should be polite to others regardless of gender, race, religion, sports team affiliation.

Still a dominant woman is in a privileged position and can require special courtesies, hommages, gestures from the men who serve them. What special touches or extra acts of politeness do you expect (or require)?

Originally posted 2009-01-22 08:00:20. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

By Herbootlicker

(Left as a comment on one of my other blogs. One day I’m going to dig out the best of what he’s written and post it here. Shouldn’t be left hidden and buried.)

Ideal Mistress: I’ll know Her when I see Her, at least I think so. But the problem is that I’ve been disappointed so many times, I begin to doubt that She even exists in the real world. However, hope keeps me going.

Real problem is, you don’t know until you try — at least a little experience — and you have to invest time and emotional capital in the experiment. Nevertheless, the list, if only to clarify one’s thinking.

Intelligent, able to think things through so She doesn’t get either of us into a hole we can’t escape. Basically, She should know when the limit has arrived, before the safeword can be spoken: that is to say, trustworthy. Safewords, like parachutes, should be for unexpected emergencies, not for pilot error.

She must need to dominate as much as I need to submit; we should fit together like spooning in bed, on all levels. Truth to tell, a little switching now and then, if only for educational purposes, isn’t a bad idea — but not too much of that, either. Variety is spicy in all realms of life.

A sense of humor, so She doesn’t take it all too damn seriously. It’s a game, like tennis, bridge or chess: while in the zone, you play hard and try to beat (!) your mate, but then you declare an end and go back to real, if vanilla, life for a while, until it’s time for a rematch.

(At the same time, it isn’t a battle: while in domspace or slavespace, one plays the role honestly. As Her slave, I truly believe that I must serve, submit and suffer. And as Owner, She expects it and enjoys being pampered and worshiped — and does not hesitate to use the whip if Her slave does not stay in character.)

Clever and imaginative, so She can invent new variants on the basic theme. One nice little trick: inverse psychology, or the Br’er Rabbit syndrome: “Please, Mistress, not the cat, please!” “How dare you talk back to Me, dog! Twenty lashes with the cat, then, not ten, and you will thank Me after each one.” (It’s a form of topping from the bottom, yes, but She has the option of doing whatever She pleases, regardless of what Her slave says.)

Physically and mentally able to appreciate all the pleasure that a truly selfish Mistress can demand of Her slave, without worrying about hurting his feelings or making him resentful. That includes the pleasure of making him suffer as entertainment for Her — in other words, She should be a rational sadist, if I may coin the term: intelligent enough (I said that already) to know how far to go, and brave enough to go there, knowing I’m right with Her.

Oh, yes, and I hope She doesn’t mind wearing stiletto-heel boots and allowing me (note: not demanding or screaming, but graciously permitting Her slave to serve) to lick them to a high polish. Flat-heel boots are almost as good, but there’s something about a 5” stiletto heel! And please, Mistress, if this slave does not perform to Your satisfaction, use Your whip to train me.

I don’t know about the cuckold angle: that gets beyond the limits, I think, for me, because it ruins the relationship. Maybe an occasional affair, but not getting carried away. And it’s hard to stop for some people. Nor do I feel comfortable with an actual sale to another Owner, for whom I don’t have the same committed devotion.

These, like permanent and really serious mutilation, are for fiction, not life.

Discreet. That’s the only way to make sure some blue-nosed busybody doesn’t mess it all up. Rich wouldn’t hurt either, but that may be too much to expect in a practical sense. The last criterion is the one most of us think of first: Beautiful. I see so many absolutely stunning Ladies walking around, and I’m sure that fewer than 1% probably could meet all these expectations and hopes. Even the on-line beauties (I can’t begin to list them, but every man has a portfolio in his head) probably come up short in real life.

Yet still we dream, and some day, we may find the Goddess who fulfills 90%, and go for it, using our well-exercised imaginations to gloss over the other 10%. Just maybe, She will be pleased to change a tiny bit to become, after all, The Perfect Mistress and Ideal Dominant. As RLS famously wrote, “what’s a heaven for?”

Some women struggle to accept their desire to dominate. Those feeling are much less likely to afflict dominant men. And perhaps some women need a few moments reflection to understand that a submissive male is not necessarily a spineless wimp that she’d never want in her life.

Even more often are initial feelings of guilt as they begin to discover and explore their sadism. Pleasure in inflicting pain contradicts the popular images of woman as empath, nourisher and healer. Surely wanting to hit your boyfriend or husband with things is just plain evil.

But by various means – bless you – many of you step past the social stereotypes, are able to more fully realize your sexuality and make happy the men who need you.

Originally posted 2009-01-05 13:07:49. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

I’ve been woefully negligent in using this site to address themes facing women. Possibly because in the distant galaxy I come from women are people.

Even if you aren’t sexist, heterosexual female dominance can be colored by gender qualities. If only so very faintly.

Does your desire to dominate men – even if just in the bedroom – affect your feelings about the gender of your employer? If their virtues and values are equal do you can whether your boss is a man or a woman?

Originally posted 2008-12-21 10:38:04. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

The Dominatrix Bitch Stereotype

don’t think there’s anything incongruous about being nice/fair/laid back and being domly. I don’t think it’s necessary to be bossy or bitchy. It’s fine if that’s how one is or how one likes to play, but if that’s not how one is (or likes to play) I don’t see any reason to put that persona on.

Bitchy just isn’t my style (which is not to say I don’t get bitchy, it’s just not a scene or d/s dynamic I enjoy – it’s the “bad day at work” kind of bitchy). In my first domly experiences I thought bitchy/cruel/demanding was what doms were, and I tried to be that, but it just made me uncomfortable. I’m generally pretty laid back. I found out pretty early on that fellows who like to be forced or who had a “cruel dominatrix” kink were not good matches for me. It did shake my nearly-nonexistent confidence in my domliness that so many fellows I met had this kink, and I just wasn’t comfortable going there. Thing was, if I was with a guy who wanted me to be the bitch-dom or who wanted me to force him to submit, my desire to be domly with that guy just evaporated. I started seriously questioning whether I was domly at all. It felt right in my head, but it sure wasn’t working out that way in actual practice.

Along the way I met some fellows who did not have the kink for force or “cruel dom”, and things started to gel. I discovered that there were fellows out there who responded well to my style, and that willing (even enthusiastic) submission pushed all the right buttons for me, and with these guys I was very domly indeed.

***

IMHO, seeming dour, supercilious or bitchy isn’t better. For the record, in my experience dominants who act like domineering assholes don’t represent what enlightened dominant men and women aspire to be. Most of the dominant women and men that I’ve seen at play parties or at the conventions, etc. seem to all be trying to be nice, like I am. They reserve their bully behavior for private scenes in the dungeon, as do I.

I do not let myself get pushed around. I’m fully capable of taking command, and I often do it with a smile on my face. That’s my style. I like to play with people who like my style, so I act like myself instead of some stupid porno stereotype. This way, if they don’t like my style, they know right away to stay the hell out of my life.

I’m not a bully, I’m not a whore, I’m not Xena, and I’m not royalty on holiday. Acting like any of these feels very phony to me and I won’t be doing it. Besides, it’s not necessary to ever be posturing. Plenty of tops never do it and they get along just fine.

There are lots of subs who seem to think a dominant should act bossy all the time to be believable, but they’re clueless. Don’t let ignorant subs pressure you into playacting for them. If you want to be theatrical because that comes natural for you, then that’s different. I get theatrical when I play, but I certainly don’t live that way.

(From an old Usenet discussion)

Amity Harris has been a well-known treasure within the D/s community for years. Her explanation of female dominance remains a classic. An excerpt:

A FemDom relationship is intensely intimate. Inside this relationship, both the woman and submissive find caring, intense emotional exchange and validation of each other. I’ve said many times that a submissive man on his knees is one of the most beautiful and powerful mental images for me to behold. Even though a woman may demand that which satisfies her, a simple caress of her partner’s hair or cheek speaks volumes about the intense intimacy of this type of relationship.

When your partner is on his knees, even if only in his daydreams, he is begging silently for a woman’s strong hand to guide and lead him and the thought of that woman’s touch is arousing to him. However, he doesn’t want just any woman’s touch; he wants yours. Expressing the secrets in his soul is something painfully difficult to do without the assurance that the woman on the other side of the relationship will accept it and value it as a treasured gift.

Women learning about female domination must remember that your partner will be sharing his innermost secrets and longings with you. It’s up to you to value and cherish the trust he is placing in your hands.

What Does Female Domination Mean?